Why do we keep having the same argument?
“We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” — Dr. Sue Johnson
Most couples don’t come to therapy because they don’t love one another. They come because the ways they’ve learned to reach for one another are no longer working.
Maybe you’ve had the same conversation dozens of times. It begins with something small, and before long you’re arguing about something much bigger. One of you pursues. The other withdraws. One becomes critical. The other becomes defensive. By the end, neither of you feels understood, and both of you feel alone.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Often, it means you’ve become caught in a conversation that neither of you realizes you’re having.
There Are Two Conversations Happening
Most couples believe they’re arguing about the topic. But beneath almost every recurring argument is another conversation unfolding quietly underneath.
Do I matter to you?
Can I count on you?
Are we still okay?
Am I facing this alone?
Will you choose me when it matters?
Connection Begins Within
Healthy relationships are shaped by both the within and the between¹—our ability to stay connected to our own inner experience while remaining emotionally engaged with someone we love.
Healing asks something different. It invites us to slow down long enough to notice what is happening inside us before trying to change what is happening between us.
A Different Way to Understand Conflict
A painful moment happens. You react. A deeper feeling emerges. Your mind quickly makes meaning. Underneath it all is a longing.
A Small Place to Begin
Ask yourself: “What conversation might be happening underneath this conflict?”
CTA: Download the Reflection Guide
Download the Reflection Guide to explore whether couples therapy would be a good fit for you right now.
CTA: Download the Conversation Beneath the Conflict Worksheet
Sometimes the first step toward feeling more connected to one another is becoming more deeply connected to your own experience. Download the Worksheet to help you explore what’s happening underneath the conflict.
¹ Johnson, Susan M. The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection (2nd ed., 2004), p. 11.